Bluish

I've realized that my brain has this strange need to name everything. I don't mean that I find satisfaction from naming inanimate objects "George" or "Craig"....I mean identifying things like my "frustration attacks". I made that one up, for lack of a real name. I always feel that something is mentally wrong with me, so I try to diagnose it. I always feel isolated in the way that my brain is so odd; it feels like my mental illness isn't like anyone else's. It gives me comfort to know if I can associate my behaviors with something, or if I can't. 

It trips me up when I can't figure out what it is thats wrong with me. I've been diagnosed with clinical depression, anxiety, and ADHD. But I know that's not all. My anxiety keeps me up at night, trying to diagnose my illnesses. But maybe mine is a new one. I'll tell myself its a very rare mental illness, just to keep my nerves down. But come on, lying to myself only makes it worse.

Identifying anything when I'm so confused by the world is impossible, which is why I'll never be satisfied; I cannot identify everything, and my brain won't accept what it cannot do. 

Fake Concerns is What's the Matter, Man

I realized its been too long since I've written anything.
I've been at the hospital, trying to deal with problems after overdosing.
Finally I'm back, figuring out who to trust; who really cares.
I'm having a damn hard time figuring that shit out.
Its a battle with myself, its a battle with the words of ash, burning through their throats.

Knowing the person I am, it took me no time to get back into the swing of things....
Coming home smelling like a bar,
Spending more time asking whats going on than trying to figure it out,
Enjoying being more and more influenced than before;
Now I want to be fucked up off my ass all the time.
And I thought I was stronger than that.

Slow Me Down

I lose myself to my own confusion

I despise what I've done to myself

Life was once my passion

But I've lost what that meant to me.

It has turned into the crimson upon my skin

Passion drives my impulsivity

I need to learn how to slow down

Before I do something I regret.

Just Keep Swallowing...

I got extremely fucked up today.

But this time was different;
I was
alone.

You know our hearts beat time out very slowly...they're waiting for something that'll never arrive.

I talk about it too much.
I'm sick of it.
But here I sit on my bed, leaning against the wall.
Its the same spot as that night we were desperate to kiss eachother and hold eachother, yet were interrupted. We just sat and laughed with lips intertwined.
I remember the feeling of your arms holding me as if you couldn't hold me any closer.
Feel that embrace, I wish I could again.
Thoughts coming back to real life, I look again at myself sitting on the bed, propped against this wall covered in memories.
Its still the same.
We're still desperate to kiss eachother.
We're still desperate to hold eachother.
Yearning is an understatement...
We're always interrupted by something, because I let the interruptions disturb us.
But this interruption is here for good.
We're over.
I just can't shake the feeling of your laugh and mine chemically mixing, as if they were all one molecule in the first place.
I know it just doesn't make sense, but I can't just say "we're over". I want to be over, but I can't be over.
You'll get over me and I will, too. But can I just kiss you again?

Like A Tiger In The Dark, You Were Hungry From The Start

Be my boy, be my boy
Be my boy, be my boy

I've been thinking about those things you said
I've been thinking about those things we did
I've been thinking about those things you do
I've been thinking about those things you made me do too

I was hypnotized
By your fairy eyes
Like a tiger in the dark
You were hungry from the start

Diamonds, candy pills
One million dollar bills
You can try
But you can't buy me, buy me

You can slide slide
Slippity slide
Hip hop
And don't stop
I'll never be
On my knees

When I saw you on the street
I just had to look away
You were so sweet
Sexy Steez
Lay back relax
Street boy please
Wait a second it's gonna take awhile

You can slide slide
Slippity slide
You can hip hop
And don't stop
I'll never be
On my knees

I've been thinking 'bout
Why you act so proud
I've been thinking 'bout
What's this shit about
Am I losin' control
Am I losin' my soul
Just tell me am I losin' you

Be my boy, be my boy
Be my boy, be my boy

Diamonds, candy pills
One million dollar bills
You can try
But you can't buy me

I've been thinking 'bout
I've been thinking about
I've been thinking 'bout
I've been thinking about
Losing you

[I've Been Thinking by Handsome Boy Modeling School feat. Cat Power]

I Don't Wanna See The Day When Its Dying

My once-loved,
You are ever-present in my mind.
Whether it is conscious or subconscious, I keep you in the pockets and folds of my sickle-celled brain.
I'm not sure when all of this will end, nor if I have the desire for it to end.
I think I want another beginning.
We've had two beginnings, but there was never an end.
I want to touch your skin, to feel your lips, to softly embrace your comforting body once more. I want to run my fingers through your hair, create sensations for every nerve in your body, feel our reverberating heartbeats flow as one through our connected veins.
We're still connected, you know.
We're just too stuck in each others' minds that we can't make our way back into each others' arms.

Forever alone,
Your once-loved.

Shadows Down-Drifting Way Out Of Town...

Here's a mistake I make every day: I procrastinate.
I'll find things that interest me while putting off schoolwork; when I finally finish, its usually about midnight. I'll lie down, trying to annihilate every thought that pierces my vulnerable skull. But that's the problem...my mind is very vulnerable to all of the possible thoughts that just might come my way, and I give in. I love thinking. My mind makes crazy movies in my head late at night that I so wish I could create in real life. But I've found some art that comes pretty close [and accompany me in my procrastination and late-night thought]:






http://www.parkeharrison.com/

What Is Past Is Prologue.

This quote, by William Shakespeare, will be forever infamous to me. I often imagine putting my past mistakes into a box; simply throwing them away; burning them. But every time before putting the lit match to the box, I realize that my mistakes define me. I'm sure we've all realized this...but what does it really mean?
I know I don't notice, but I make mistakes every day. My box is no longer a box...its become an office filled with thousands of files that have no place but the floor, scattered. And although I don't notice, other people do. They'll hate me for my mistakes. They'll label me, judge me. But because of my scatterbrained box/office, I have the privilege to be different.

I've come to love my differences. In fact, when someone points out that I'm similar to someone else in any way, be it the clothes I wear or a quirk I have, I get extremely defensive. It hasn't always been this way. In second grade, I started gaining weight. Kids called me fat...you know, all the shit we've heard before. I became a mean person by default. In fifth grade, once I was out of elementary, friends started to matter more, so I put on a nice face and just bothered the shit out of everyone. I started dressing crazily; I picked out certain days where I'd put on a ton of strange outfits, [I preferred the 80's] and I was made fun of constantly. Personally, I'd like to put all those years in my box because of the embarrassment I have when friends bring it up. But I can't, because I made the conscious decision to set myself apart from others from that very age, whether people liked it or not. Since then, I've matured immensely; I'm not even sure I can describe how much I've changed--physically, mentally, emotionally...

My mistakes make me unique and I obsess over my unique qualities, however large a disadvantage they may be.

Everyone's heard of the statement, "nobody's perfect". Well I'm fucking done with that statement, especially since some unnamed teenage popstar somehow managed to put it to #1 on the charts. If I could change that a little and say: "nobody's perfect, and my passion to stay said, 'unperfect' is a huge component of who I really am", it'd be telling the truth. At least, for me. But of course, that statement would never constitute as lyrics or make a catchy tune.

So, fuck Disney and all of their perfect, 'loved-by-God-and-every-thing-virtuous' characters.
My life is far from a Disney movie. I'm realistic, I'm brutally honest. I make mistakes, and I develop from them. And, I take every oppositional stance possible, just to feel the beautiful discord of who I am.