These Simple Minds just Cannot Seem to Understand....

...You are neurotic and depressed, it doesn't mean that you're sad.
Yeah, you walk around oblivious to everything
You wear that party dress and black mascara like a queen for the day...
Tell me why you wanna be blind;
I don't wanna be
Normal like you
I know now, everyday.
-Everclear

I've become extremely disatisfied with my friends. They do not understand my brain. They do not understand that I cannot grasp certain concepts, but I dig deeply into others. I see things they cannot see, but I cannot see a lot of basic "guidelines" for humanity.
I don't think its that I am full of angst.
I think the world is beautiful in its own way.
But I despise those who cannot accept differences.
I have had to accept that nobody will ever understand me, yet it seems no one can accept me.
However, lately, I've realized that I get no credit for my acceptance of others.
I get no credit for the good friend that I am to others [they just think I'm weird.]
I get no credit for thinking differently.
I get no credit for sticking up for myself and others.
I feel lonely.
Isolated.
I am starting to dislike my different thinking. But its because of other people.
Do I have to push myself to show people my positives?
I feel like I've dug myself into this hole. I thought I was safe, but I created my own destruction.
Everyday I have to tell myself to keep living.
I tell myself someday things will be better.
Someday I'll find someone who
gets me.
Someday.
I also tell myself that someday I'll die.
That thought comforts me more than any other.

Bluish

I've realized that my brain has this strange need to name everything. I don't mean that I find satisfaction from naming inanimate objects "George" or "Craig"....I mean identifying things like my "frustration attacks". I made that one up, for lack of a real name. I always feel that something is mentally wrong with me, so I try to diagnose it. I always feel isolated in the way that my brain is so odd; it feels like my mental illness isn't like anyone else's. It gives me comfort to know if I can associate my behaviors with something, or if I can't. 

It trips me up when I can't figure out what it is thats wrong with me. I've been diagnosed with clinical depression, anxiety, and ADHD. But I know that's not all. My anxiety keeps me up at night, trying to diagnose my illnesses. But maybe mine is a new one. I'll tell myself its a very rare mental illness, just to keep my nerves down. But come on, lying to myself only makes it worse.

Identifying anything when I'm so confused by the world is impossible, which is why I'll never be satisfied; I cannot identify everything, and my brain won't accept what it cannot do. 

Fake Concerns is What's the Matter, Man

I realized its been too long since I've written anything.
I've been at the hospital, trying to deal with problems after overdosing.
Finally I'm back, figuring out who to trust; who really cares.
I'm having a damn hard time figuring that shit out.
Its a battle with myself, its a battle with the words of ash, burning through their throats.

Knowing the person I am, it took me no time to get back into the swing of things....
Coming home smelling like a bar,
Spending more time asking whats going on than trying to figure it out,
Enjoying being more and more influenced than before;
Now I want to be fucked up off my ass all the time.
And I thought I was stronger than that.

Slow Me Down

I lose myself to my own confusion

I despise what I've done to myself

Life was once my passion

But I've lost what that meant to me.

It has turned into the crimson upon my skin

Passion drives my impulsivity

I need to learn how to slow down

Before I do something I regret.

Just Keep Swallowing...

I got extremely fucked up today.

But this time was different;
I was
alone.

You know our hearts beat time out very slowly...they're waiting for something that'll never arrive.

I talk about it too much.
I'm sick of it.
But here I sit on my bed, leaning against the wall.
Its the same spot as that night we were desperate to kiss eachother and hold eachother, yet were interrupted. We just sat and laughed with lips intertwined.
I remember the feeling of your arms holding me as if you couldn't hold me any closer.
Feel that embrace, I wish I could again.
Thoughts coming back to real life, I look again at myself sitting on the bed, propped against this wall covered in memories.
Its still the same.
We're still desperate to kiss eachother.
We're still desperate to hold eachother.
Yearning is an understatement...
We're always interrupted by something, because I let the interruptions disturb us.
But this interruption is here for good.
We're over.
I just can't shake the feeling of your laugh and mine chemically mixing, as if they were all one molecule in the first place.
I know it just doesn't make sense, but I can't just say "we're over". I want to be over, but I can't be over.
You'll get over me and I will, too. But can I just kiss you again?

Like A Tiger In The Dark, You Were Hungry From The Start

Be my boy, be my boy
Be my boy, be my boy

I've been thinking about those things you said
I've been thinking about those things we did
I've been thinking about those things you do
I've been thinking about those things you made me do too

I was hypnotized
By your fairy eyes
Like a tiger in the dark
You were hungry from the start

Diamonds, candy pills
One million dollar bills
You can try
But you can't buy me, buy me

You can slide slide
Slippity slide
Hip hop
And don't stop
I'll never be
On my knees

When I saw you on the street
I just had to look away
You were so sweet
Sexy Steez
Lay back relax
Street boy please
Wait a second it's gonna take awhile

You can slide slide
Slippity slide
You can hip hop
And don't stop
I'll never be
On my knees

I've been thinking 'bout
Why you act so proud
I've been thinking 'bout
What's this shit about
Am I losin' control
Am I losin' my soul
Just tell me am I losin' you

Be my boy, be my boy
Be my boy, be my boy

Diamonds, candy pills
One million dollar bills
You can try
But you can't buy me

I've been thinking 'bout
I've been thinking about
I've been thinking 'bout
I've been thinking about
Losing you

[I've Been Thinking by Handsome Boy Modeling School feat. Cat Power]